I'm sorry Ma, Pa, Ate Ka..
I know you all want the best for me.
And Ma, I know you were right. I know because I regret not listening to you when you told me I should've went to a different course. I always make the wrong decisions, so this time around, maybe I should listen to you.
Fine, I'll go to med school.
Sorry kung nainis ako.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
A Day Late
I've always seen myself as just a kid - so immature, so selfish, and I knew I wasn't ready for any commitments yet. I thought I was for someone but then I realized I was hurrying it up too much. And so when I finally woke up from that, I didn't entertain thoughts about chever feelings anymore. I would always block any thoughts about those chever things. Basta, I knew I loved this friend and I didn't care whatever kind of love it was. It was enough for me that I am able to love him whole-heartedly. :) He was like a guy version of Gihan to me - or so I thought. But as he was leaving, I was finally able to slowly accept my feelings for him. Even though I wasn't ready, I was willing to take a chance in waiting for him. I was convinced that if it's with him, then I'll be okay. :)
But when I finally told him, as always happens with these chever things to me, he already committed himself to someone else. Though it's infinitely hard to come to terms with that fact, I still have to free him from my feelings. I want him to be happy and I'm sure they'll make each other happy. It was his choice to give me up and to wait for her but not for me, and so I'm sure he feels that she can make her happy. :)
Why? Why must I feel that the world is finally rooting for me in this, and then be sent head-first down to the earth?
With my every waking moment, I think about it. I remember those words which ripped my heart to pieces. I imagine them together. It just blocks my brain and I no longer want to think. This is exactly why I'm not yet ready for these things, being the selfish and immature girl that I am now, it will be so hard to deal with these feelings. Being this unprepared girl that I am now, I can't just let him go and give way to his happiness that easily. For me, it will take a long time of internal struggle and liters more of tears; but, I'm sure the Lord will help me through this. I'm sure there's a reason for all of this. I should stop myself from thinking about this and reading his heart-breaking messages (napaka-masokista lang). Breathe. And take a step forward. :)
Father, please lend me a hand. Everything is in chaos and it's not just because of this. Lord, please keep me together. I love you.
But when I finally told him, as always happens with these chever things to me, he already committed himself to someone else. Though it's infinitely hard to come to terms with that fact, I still have to free him from my feelings. I want him to be happy and I'm sure they'll make each other happy. It was his choice to give me up and to wait for her but not for me, and so I'm sure he feels that she can make her happy. :)
Why? Why must I feel that the world is finally rooting for me in this, and then be sent head-first down to the earth?
With my every waking moment, I think about it. I remember those words which ripped my heart to pieces. I imagine them together. It just blocks my brain and I no longer want to think. This is exactly why I'm not yet ready for these things, being the selfish and immature girl that I am now, it will be so hard to deal with these feelings. Being this unprepared girl that I am now, I can't just let him go and give way to his happiness that easily. For me, it will take a long time of internal struggle and liters more of tears; but, I'm sure the Lord will help me through this. I'm sure there's a reason for all of this. I should stop myself from thinking about this and reading his heart-breaking messages (napaka-masokista lang). Breathe. And take a step forward. :)
Father, please lend me a hand. Everything is in chaos and it's not just because of this. Lord, please keep me together. I love you.
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