Unworthy

Kindness takes many forms :) Sometimes it takes a while for one to see another's brand of kindness. :)

Thank you, Lord, for reminding me that I am not worthy of certain things as I am. These deserve much more than who I am; than the darkness that I hold in my heart. Darkness that is sometimes obscured to others, making people think I'm better than who I really am. There's still a LOT to work on, but thank You for being with me through it and not giving up on me. :) Even if someday, I may still not be worthy, I know that at least, I would have become a better person, and someone more pleasing for You. :)

Thank you, Lord :)

3 reasons why you should stop looking for love.

1. Don't look for love because you're lonely, because in love, you can't only ask, you have to have something to give.

2. Don't look for love when you're bored, the excitement you get will be greatly offset by letdowns.

3. Don't look for love when you're already broken, because it will shatter when disappointments in love arise.

In short, to enter a relationship, you have to be:

1. happy

2. self-confident

3. whole :)

Freedom in Service :)

"Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will also be. My Father will honor the one who serves me."

John 12:24-26

:)

Overwhelmed.

Hi blog! :D I've forgotten I still have you hehe :P Tough times again, blog.

Haaayy buhay. Everything's so complicated. But I know whatever is happening is my fault.

Dapat sa Takes 1 and 2, natuto na. Paulit-ulit lang. I give up.

Maybe I'm looking for happiness in the wrong avenues. Chever may look like a good idea because it makes one feel better. It seems to let one escape her problems. Pero hindi e, hindi dapat ganun..ayan tuloy, nasasaktan lang..

At parati silang nag-aaway. I drown the sound with loud music but the damage has been done. Alam ko namang nahihirapan din sila, problemado rin. Wala akong karapatang magreklamo o mainis sa kanila. Dapat nga maging masaya na lang ako at maging mabait para magspread kahit papano ng positive energy or at least hindi na dumagdag sa gulo. Haaayy Lord, please give us more patience and understanding..

Lord, I'm so sorry. I'm not even worthy to ask anything from you. Pero Lord, please help us. Please let love and happiness rule over anger and depression. Lord...

Future.

I'm sorry Ma, Pa, Ate Ka..

I know you all want the best for me.

And Ma, I know you were right. I know because I regret not listening to you when you told me I should've went to a different course. I always make the wrong decisions, so this time around, maybe I should listen to you.

Fine, I'll go to med school.

Sorry kung nainis ako.

A Day Late

I've always seen myself as just a kid - so immature, so selfish, and I knew I wasn't ready for any commitments yet. I thought I was for someone but then I realized I was hurrying it up too much. And so when I finally woke up from that, I didn't entertain thoughts about chever feelings anymore. I would always block any thoughts about those chever things. Basta, I knew I loved this friend and I didn't care whatever kind of love it was. It was enough for me that I am able to love him whole-heartedly. :) He was like a guy version of Gihan to me - or so I thought. But as he was leaving, I was finally able to slowly accept my feelings for him. Even though I wasn't ready, I was willing to take a chance in waiting for him. I was convinced that if it's with him, then I'll be okay. :)

But when I finally told him, as always happens with these chever things to me, he already committed himself to someone else. Though it's infinitely hard to come to terms with that fact, I still have to free him from my feelings. I want him to be happy and I'm sure they'll make each other happy. It was his choice to give me up and to wait for her but not for me, and so I'm sure he feels that she can make her happy. :)

Why? Why must I feel that the world is finally rooting for me in this, and then be sent head-first down to the earth?

With my every waking moment, I think about it. I remember those words which ripped my heart to pieces. I imagine them together. It just blocks my brain and I no longer want to think. This is exactly why I'm not yet ready for these things, being the selfish and immature girl that I am now, it will be so hard to deal with these feelings. Being this unprepared girl that I am now, I can't just let him go and give way to his happiness that easily. For me, it will take a long time of internal struggle and liters more of tears; but, I'm sure the Lord will help me through this. I'm sure there's a reason for all of this. I should stop myself from thinking about this and reading his heart-breaking messages (napaka-masokista lang). Breathe. And take a step forward. :)

Father, please lend me a hand. Everything is in chaos and it's not just because of this. Lord, please keep me together. I love you.

Up :)

As I was walking home, I was admiring the scenery when I accidentally looked up. I realized that it's been long since I last looked at the sky while walking from our village gate to our house. I remember doing that a lot in the past, and being reminded of it, it's like finding a small but important part of me that I've quite forgotten. Then, a thought came to my mind:

We keep on looking behind our backs out of prudence. We keep looking forward because of our aims. But sometimes, we forget to look up. :)

Lord, thank You for not letting me go. Please draw me back to You..:)